I'm Back! Updates....

I'm not sure how many people read my blog but...My apologies for falling off. Big time.

Trini and I are officially back together but we break up every other day. HOW did my life get so out of control? How am I still in this dysfunctional relationship? WHO AM I???? These are questions I ask myself every day -usually in the mornings as I am in the shower or brushing my teeth. It's almost as if I wake up and think: Am I in a dream? Is this real? Who am I again? I roll over, look over at my phone and see bbms with Trini (he is usually the last person I talk to every night) and it all comes back to me:  I'm the girl in a messy relationship that is consuming my life. Of course. So I hop in the shower and start thinking of how to make things better.

UPDATES:


*Trini stood me up/blew me off for a date. No show, no call. This was a week after we "recommitted" to eachother and made it official. FML. Does he even respect me at all???

*I am 7 lbs away from my birthday mini-goal. I don't know if I can lose 7lbs in two weeks.

*B-Day plans are depressing me. I'm worried Trini will embarrass me in front of my friends and not show, and no one is cooperating with the plans so far. KB is going to see her boo in DC so she will not be in attendance. I guess my birthday wasn't reason enough to stay here.

*School is back in session. I hate it. Smack in the middle of the week, Wednesday and Thursday, 6-10.

*I took a MAJOR step in re-uniting with a group of old  frenemies friends that I met through KB. They are VERY judgmental and after months of slick comments about my weight, the fact that I wear makeup, and wear a FABULOUS weave etc, we had a major falling out. I kept my distance and because of school and Trini, I stayed away from the party scene-thereby avoiding them. One of the chicks extended an invite to me via KB for a soca fete in BK hosted by one of the DJ's we like. It was invite only and tix were hard to come by, so I appreciated the gesture. I went and it was not as awkward as I thought it would be. I still felt like the fat one with them though. My close friends are not skinny so I am at home with them. We have an understanding and accept each other as is. But with this particular group of skinnies, I am ALWAYS self conscious. Probably because I've actually HEARD them make comments about other people's weight, mine, and just the way other people look in general. KB was starting to get offended that I kept declining offers to hang out with her, but it was because she usually hungout with them and I was not comfortable after all that went down. Why do I always have to explain my decisions to other people? Does anyone get me at all?

*I have a new obsession with red/pink/fuschia lipstick. Today is my third day in this color by MAC, Girl About Town

A First Time for Everything

I made it through my first earthquake! Wow. The entire thing only lasted about 10 seconds, but it was very freaky. 

I was sitting at my desk and everything started moving. Not a fast shake like on TV, but a slow swaying and rocking. At first I thought I was having a dizzy spell because I hadn't eaten but then I realized what was happening. BBM and the twitterverse went CRAZY. My brother called me from his office on Wall Street- they felt it too. His building was evacuated but mine wasn't. Boo!

Trini texted me to see if I was okay. Am I wrong for feeling like that was a big deal? We hung out Sunday afternoon but things are far from back to normal. We don't talk as much as we used to and sometimes I feel like he doesn't care as much.  I told him I appreciated him checking on me. 

This morning was hectic but I managed to make a quick salad and pack some black grapes for a snack. I've been feeling a little dehydrated lately so I need to up my water intake. I'm working on my 3rd refill of a Poland Springs bottle now...

Happy Birthday to Me!!! (Almost)

It's that time of year again. Summer is winding down and my birthday is right around the corner. Even with all the breakup stuff going on and not knowing where things stand with Trini, I'm looking forward to celebrating with friends, dancing to some good reggae and soca tunes, and drinking until I can't feel my face :D BFF's b-day is the week before mine, so this year we are having joint parties. Yay! We plan to kick things off on Thursday night with drinks and hookah at my favorite spot in the Village.  Friday and Saturday are TBD, but we are having a planning session this weekend. Hopefully we can agree on something that will suit both of our tastes.

My pre-birthday excitement came to a screeching halt when I realized that I have to return to grad school in 2 weeks. Boo!!! I really don't feel like being back in school and I damn sure don't feel like dealing with homework on my birthday. I'll have to buckle down and make sure all my work is done early that week. 

I haven't made a B-day wish list in a really long time but here goes. For my birthday I'd like:

<=To go back to the good times with Trini *sigh*

AND

      <= a fabulous tote to carry my textbooks  

I have lusted after this classic bag for sooo long. I have a few medium sized bags but they don't work on the days when I have class. I need one large bag to throw everything into. I've always wanted one but never had the guts to make the purchase. This year I am really considering it. After all, it is my birthday right? Both of these things would make for the best birthday ever!!!!

In diet news, I am going extra hard on my workout and eating plan so I can get my energy up for the fall. It's the busiest time of year at the office and I'll be taking the hardest courses in my program this semester. I really need to be at my best. I also need to look good in my birthday dresses lol. The picks are a cute belted black dress and a leopard print one. I can't be jiggling all over the place in either dress and I'd like to be satisfied with how I look in the pictures for once. It's crunch time and the hard work is just beginning!

-Sade

SMH

Yesterday I had a conversation with SB that started with him "shaking his head" at a BBM status update I had about my feelings for Trini.

[We are still not back together but we had lunch the other day and spoke yesterday..I still love him and he loves me too. I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't want to go back to the same relationship we had. I want to see changes, but in my heart I know that people don't usually change unless they have a reason to and I can't expect Trini to be a different man]

Anyway, SB didn't say much just "smh", and I didn't really have much of an answer. This is not about "going back" and I don't feel ashamed AT ALL about still loving Trini. SB of all people should know that when I fall, I fall HARD. SB and I weren't even in a relationship and it took me a long time to get over him. He knows this. In his words "went out a few times and chilled", no big deal right? Trini have known each other for a year and we became best friends over the course of our relationship. He was - and still is- a significant part of my life. If it took me 6 months plus to get over SB and I never even knew his middle name or made him breakfast then why would it be any easier to get over someone who I was in a legitimate relationship with and who actually loved me back and spent 7 months with me?

What SB said was no big deal to me, but I thought about it afterwards and felt like..I held onto my feelings for him for a really long time after we stopped talking. Even though we were never "together", my self esteem and entire being took such a huge hit afterwards that I spun into a serious depression and did some crazy, regrettable shit in the months after. I don't know why. Maybe it was the rejection after I put so much on the line and fell so hard for him. He really said a big fat No Thanks. When its not your heart that's broken it becomes very easy to minimize things. As human beings we don't always realize the effect we have on other people. Even though some encounters may be brief, that person can leave a permanent dent in your heart. It was okay for me to keep on feeling for him but it makes him "SMH" that I'd still love Trini? What can I say. Regardless of where the chips land, anyone who I really care about stays in my heart for a while and I don't "turn off" my feelings at the drop of a dime. I  love hard.

-Sade

Stuck in the Middle

The key exchange with Trini went well....Except for the fact that there were no keys returned to me. Sigh. I know, I know.....

We had agreed to meet at 7. He was not only on time, but early. Trini is usually late. That was one of the things that drove me crazy while we were together so I was kind of impressed. I walked up to him and I felt it coming. A smile. Before I could even speak a HUGE I missed you smile broke out across my face. He tried not to smile either but he lost. Kind of. In his brooding way, he let me see that he was as happy to see me as I was to see him. He noticed everything. My hair.My nail polish. Said I looked beautiful and asked if I was happy.... I couldn't answer.

I am not happy that my relationship came to an end especially because I worked so hard at it. However, I am a little relieved at not having to stress over him and bug him for the most basic things. I'm right in the middle.

As much as I can't stand him sometimes, I'm not 100% sure I can stand to be without him either and last night was proof. It was actually nice. We talked more about our relationship and what we both wanted and there was no arguing, no yelling. At times it got a little tense, but there was a sense of calm throughout the entire conversation that made it so much easier to talk. At one point he leaned over and kissed me and for a moment, everything felt like it would be okay. I know its crazy but I'm actually thinking maybe we need another chance at us. I haven't heard from him yet today but... I guess we'll take it one day at a time. I'm in no rush to get back together, but I'm not really ready to move on either.

Today is a good food day. Lunch was my herb crusted salmon and steamed spinach with garlic. I had shredded wheat with banana for breakfast and 2 slices of cheddar cheese for a snack. Tonight I'll probably make another salad and try to get in a workout before Law & Order.

-Sade

Monday Blues

I'm anxious and upset. Trini and I are in another communication battle over meeting to get my keys back. Of course it doesn't end with convo about the keys. He goes on to say that I must really be done with him and he doesn't understand what went wrong. I start feeling guilty and get sucked back into the trap of explaining myself. These post breakup conversations are getting us no where. I still care too much. I need to be a man about it. Seriously. When a man is done with you, that's it. He's out the door. He doesn't want to talk it out, hear you cry, listen to you explain... Nothing. I see why. Talking about it makes it harder to move on and really just drags out the inevitable. I need to turn off the I CARE switch and keep it moving.

I am trying not to gain any more weight. I'm up two pounds from last week, which sucks. I need to get it together. Rather than go home and cry or lay down, I need to start working out again. This thing with Trini breaks my heart and it is so hard to go home and just be in that space alone. I want to get up and workout, but at the same time I'd rather just lay down and watch Law and Order. I think about what was, what could have been, replay the good and bad times. I can't escape my own brain. I NEED to function like a normal human being again and working out should be my top priority. 

Here are today's lunchtime eats. It's a greek salad that I made last night along with an herb crusted salmon fillet. Both were delish! I invited SB to come eat but he had a baby shower to go to. I love to cook and I love sharing it with the people I care about even more.  

For the salad I used 2 bags of lettuce (hearts of romaine & mixed baby greens), 2 plum tomatoes, 2 cucumbers, kalamata olives, black pepper, and Ken's Light Balsamic Vinaigrette . The salmon was marinated in fresh garlic, a little butter, lemon juice, pepper, lots of dill, kosher salt, thyme, and paprika. I broiled it for about half an hour or until it was flaky. 

I also had a bowl of cantaloupe and my usual shredded wheat for breakfast. 

Let's hope for a good week!

-Sade

Last night I went to the old reggae spot I used to go to. I went by myself and then KB met me at the bar. We had a good time because we both like to dance but... Geezum. It was kind of a waste. The party was a little lame, and the guys were not trying to dance at all. I got very tipsey and I managed to forget about Trini for the first hour or so but towards the end it got to be like a nagging pain in my heart. I've never had a toothache, but I imagine that's what its like. I was functioning and smiling but the little annoying pain just would not quit.

FB is a waste of time. He's just trying to get sex. We were texting last night and rather than invite me to do whatever bar hopping he was doing or meet up, he told me to make sure I text him my address so he could come over later.  *Blank fucking stare*. I called him on it though and then he tried to change up his story a little and said that he did want to meet up and it wasn't just about trying to come over. But by then I was already out and I didn't want to be bothered with some dude pressing me for sex. He laid it out in no uncertain terms that if he came out to meet me he'd need some extra "motivation" to make it worthwhile. Who says that? Even IF I want to go there, the fact that he asked ruined everything. What ever happened to spontaneity? Why can't we just hang out and let things happen naturally? I ended the conversation by saying that I thought he was cool and I enjoyed his company but if that's what hes after then we probably don't need to be kicking it. I said I'd like to get to know each other first but that I understood if he didn't want to do it that way and to have a good night. He said he appreciated my candor and wanted to get to know me too.

Yea right.

Straightening these boys gets so tiring sometimes. I hate the moment when a seemingly cool guy ruins everything by bringing up sex prematurely or forcing it. I didn't want to waste his time or mine if that's all he was after. When it comes to sex, its a woman's world. We say when, where, how, and who. Guys, let the woman like you and want you first. If you have to ask or bring it up, its too soon and you decrease your chances of getting it.

Trini text me the usual we need to talk and I miss you etc.

This is really getting old. I know I need to cut that off completely. I wish he would get it together. I wish he weren't so selfish so I could go back and everything could be normal again.

-Sade