SMH

Yesterday I had a conversation with SB that started with him "shaking his head" at a BBM status update I had about my feelings for Trini.

[We are still not back together but we had lunch the other day and spoke yesterday..I still love him and he loves me too. I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't want to go back to the same relationship we had. I want to see changes, but in my heart I know that people don't usually change unless they have a reason to and I can't expect Trini to be a different man]

Anyway, SB didn't say much just "smh", and I didn't really have much of an answer. This is not about "going back" and I don't feel ashamed AT ALL about still loving Trini. SB of all people should know that when I fall, I fall HARD. SB and I weren't even in a relationship and it took me a long time to get over him. He knows this. In his words "went out a few times and chilled", no big deal right? Trini have known each other for a year and we became best friends over the course of our relationship. He was - and still is- a significant part of my life. If it took me 6 months plus to get over SB and I never even knew his middle name or made him breakfast then why would it be any easier to get over someone who I was in a legitimate relationship with and who actually loved me back and spent 7 months with me?

What SB said was no big deal to me, but I thought about it afterwards and felt like..I held onto my feelings for him for a really long time after we stopped talking. Even though we were never "together", my self esteem and entire being took such a huge hit afterwards that I spun into a serious depression and did some crazy, regrettable shit in the months after. I don't know why. Maybe it was the rejection after I put so much on the line and fell so hard for him. He really said a big fat No Thanks. When its not your heart that's broken it becomes very easy to minimize things. As human beings we don't always realize the effect we have on other people. Even though some encounters may be brief, that person can leave a permanent dent in your heart. It was okay for me to keep on feeling for him but it makes him "SMH" that I'd still love Trini? What can I say. Regardless of where the chips land, anyone who I really care about stays in my heart for a while and I don't "turn off" my feelings at the drop of a dime. I  love hard.

-Sade