Tuesday, August 23, 2011

A First Time for Everything

I made it through my first earthquake! Wow. The entire thing only lasted about 10 seconds, but it was very freaky. 

I was sitting at my desk and everything started moving. Not a fast shake like on TV, but a slow swaying and rocking. At first I thought I was having a dizzy spell because I hadn't eaten but then I realized what was happening. BBM and the twitterverse went CRAZY. My brother called me from his office on Wall Street- they felt it too. His building was evacuated but mine wasn't. Boo!

Trini texted me to see if I was okay. Am I wrong for feeling like that was a big deal? We hung out Sunday afternoon but things are far from back to normal. We don't talk as much as we used to and sometimes I feel like he doesn't care as much.  I told him I appreciated him checking on me. 

This morning was hectic but I managed to make a quick salad and pack some black grapes for a snack. I've been feeling a little dehydrated lately so I need to up my water intake. I'm working on my 3rd refill of a Poland Springs bottle now...

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Happy Birthday to Me!!! (Almost)

It's that time of year again. Summer is winding down and my birthday is right around the corner. Even with all the breakup stuff going on and not knowing where things stand with Trini, I'm looking forward to celebrating with friends, dancing to some good reggae and soca tunes, and drinking until I can't feel my face :D BFF's b-day is the week before mine, so this year we are having joint parties. Yay! We plan to kick things off on Thursday night with drinks and hookah at my favorite spot in the Village.  Friday and Saturday are TBD, but we are having a planning session this weekend. Hopefully we can agree on something that will suit both of our tastes.

My pre-birthday excitement came to a screeching halt when I realized that I have to return to grad school in 2 weeks. Boo!!! I really don't feel like being back in school and I damn sure don't feel like dealing with homework on my birthday. I'll have to buckle down and make sure all my work is done early that week. 

I haven't made a B-day wish list in a really long time but here goes. For my birthday I'd like:

<=To go back to the good times with Trini *sigh*

      <= a fabulous tote to carry my textbooks  

I have lusted after this classic bag for sooo long. I have a few medium sized bags but they don't work on the days when I have class. I need one large bag to throw everything into. I've always wanted one but never had the guts to make the purchase. This year I am really considering it. After all, it is my birthday right? Both of these things would make for the best birthday ever!!!!

In diet news, I am going extra hard on my workout and eating plan so I can get my energy up for the fall. It's the busiest time of year at the office and I'll be taking the hardest courses in my program this semester. I really need to be at my best. I also need to look good in my birthday dresses lol. The picks are a cute belted black dress and a leopard print one. I can't be jiggling all over the place in either dress and I'd like to be satisfied with how I look in the pictures for once. It's crunch time and the hard work is just beginning!


Friday, August 19, 2011


Yesterday I had a conversation with SB that started with him "shaking his head" at a BBM status update I had about my feelings for Trini.

[We are still not back together but we had lunch the other day and spoke yesterday..I still love him and he loves me too. I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't want to go back to the same relationship we had. I want to see changes, but in my heart I know that people don't usually change unless they have a reason to and I can't expect Trini to be a different man]

Anyway, SB didn't say much just "smh", and I didn't really have much of an answer. This is not about "going back" and I don't feel ashamed AT ALL about still loving Trini. SB of all people should know that when I fall, I fall HARD. SB and I weren't even in a relationship and it took me a long time to get over him. He knows this. In his words "went out a few times and chilled", no big deal right? Trini have known each other for a year and we became best friends over the course of our relationship. He was - and still is- a significant part of my life. If it took me 6 months plus to get over SB and I never even knew his middle name or made him breakfast then why would it be any easier to get over someone who I was in a legitimate relationship with and who actually loved me back and spent 7 months with me?

What SB said was no big deal to me, but I thought about it afterwards and felt like..I held onto my feelings for him for a really long time after we stopped talking. Even though we were never "together", my self esteem and entire being took such a huge hit afterwards that I spun into a serious depression and did some crazy, regrettable shit in the months after. I don't know why. Maybe it was the rejection after I put so much on the line and fell so hard for him. He really said a big fat No Thanks. When its not your heart that's broken it becomes very easy to minimize things. As human beings we don't always realize the effect we have on other people. Even though some encounters may be brief, that person can leave a permanent dent in your heart. It was okay for me to keep on feeling for him but it makes him "SMH" that I'd still love Trini? What can I say. Regardless of where the chips land, anyone who I really care about stays in my heart for a while and I don't "turn off" my feelings at the drop of a dime. I  love hard.


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Stuck in the Middle

The key exchange with Trini went well....Except for the fact that there were no keys returned to me. Sigh. I know, I know.....

We had agreed to meet at 7. He was not only on time, but early. Trini is usually late. That was one of the things that drove me crazy while we were together so I was kind of impressed. I walked up to him and I felt it coming. A smile. Before I could even speak a HUGE I missed you smile broke out across my face. He tried not to smile either but he lost. Kind of. In his brooding way, he let me see that he was as happy to see me as I was to see him. He noticed everything. My hair.My nail polish. Said I looked beautiful and asked if I was happy.... I couldn't answer.

I am not happy that my relationship came to an end especially because I worked so hard at it. However, I am a little relieved at not having to stress over him and bug him for the most basic things. I'm right in the middle.

As much as I can't stand him sometimes, I'm not 100% sure I can stand to be without him either and last night was proof. It was actually nice. We talked more about our relationship and what we both wanted and there was no arguing, no yelling. At times it got a little tense, but there was a sense of calm throughout the entire conversation that made it so much easier to talk. At one point he leaned over and kissed me and for a moment, everything felt like it would be okay. I know its crazy but I'm actually thinking maybe we need another chance at us. I haven't heard from him yet today but... I guess we'll take it one day at a time. I'm in no rush to get back together, but I'm not really ready to move on either.

Today is a good food day. Lunch was my herb crusted salmon and steamed spinach with garlic. I had shredded wheat with banana for breakfast and 2 slices of cheddar cheese for a snack. Tonight I'll probably make another salad and try to get in a workout before Law & Order.


Monday, August 15, 2011

Monday Blues

I'm anxious and upset. Trini and I are in another communication battle over meeting to get my keys back. Of course it doesn't end with convo about the keys. He goes on to say that I must really be done with him and he doesn't understand what went wrong. I start feeling guilty and get sucked back into the trap of explaining myself. These post breakup conversations are getting us no where. I still care too much. I need to be a man about it. Seriously. When a man is done with you, that's it. He's out the door. He doesn't want to talk it out, hear you cry, listen to you explain... Nothing. I see why. Talking about it makes it harder to move on and really just drags out the inevitable. I need to turn off the I CARE switch and keep it moving.

I am trying not to gain any more weight. I'm up two pounds from last week, which sucks. I need to get it together. Rather than go home and cry or lay down, I need to start working out again. This thing with Trini breaks my heart and it is so hard to go home and just be in that space alone. I want to get up and workout, but at the same time I'd rather just lay down and watch Law and Order. I think about what was, what could have been, replay the good and bad times. I can't escape my own brain. I NEED to function like a normal human being again and working out should be my top priority. 

Here are today's lunchtime eats. It's a greek salad that I made last night along with an herb crusted salmon fillet. Both were delish! I invited SB to come eat but he had a baby shower to go to. I love to cook and I love sharing it with the people I care about even more.  

For the salad I used 2 bags of lettuce (hearts of romaine & mixed baby greens), 2 plum tomatoes, 2 cucumbers, kalamata olives, black pepper, and Ken's Light Balsamic Vinaigrette . The salmon was marinated in fresh garlic, a little butter, lemon juice, pepper, lots of dill, kosher salt, thyme, and paprika. I broiled it for about half an hour or until it was flaky. 

I also had a bowl of cantaloupe and my usual shredded wheat for breakfast. 

Let's hope for a good week!


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Last night I went to the old reggae spot I used to go to. I went by myself and then KB met me at the bar. We had a good time because we both like to dance but... Geezum. It was kind of a waste. The party was a little lame, and the guys were not trying to dance at all. I got very tipsey and I managed to forget about Trini for the first hour or so but towards the end it got to be like a nagging pain in my heart. I've never had a toothache, but I imagine that's what its like. I was functioning and smiling but the little annoying pain just would not quit.

FB is a waste of time. He's just trying to get sex. We were texting last night and rather than invite me to do whatever bar hopping he was doing or meet up, he told me to make sure I text him my address so he could come over later.  *Blank fucking stare*. I called him on it though and then he tried to change up his story a little and said that he did want to meet up and it wasn't just about trying to come over. But by then I was already out and I didn't want to be bothered with some dude pressing me for sex. He laid it out in no uncertain terms that if he came out to meet me he'd need some extra "motivation" to make it worthwhile. Who says that? Even IF I want to go there, the fact that he asked ruined everything. What ever happened to spontaneity? Why can't we just hang out and let things happen naturally? I ended the conversation by saying that I thought he was cool and I enjoyed his company but if that's what hes after then we probably don't need to be kicking it. I said I'd like to get to know each other first but that I understood if he didn't want to do it that way and to have a good night. He said he appreciated my candor and wanted to get to know me too.

Yea right.

Straightening these boys gets so tiring sometimes. I hate the moment when a seemingly cool guy ruins everything by bringing up sex prematurely or forcing it. I didn't want to waste his time or mine if that's all he was after. When it comes to sex, its a woman's world. We say when, where, how, and who. Guys, let the woman like you and want you first. If you have to ask or bring it up, its too soon and you decrease your chances of getting it.

Trini text me the usual we need to talk and I miss you etc.

This is really getting old. I know I need to cut that off completely. I wish he would get it together. I wish he weren't so selfish so I could go back and everything could be normal again.


Friday, August 12, 2011

The L Word

I knew this would happen, just didn't know when.

I knew the day would come when I'd have to admit...I....am....lonely.

Although Trini and I remain broken up, there hasn't been a day when we haven't exchanged some type of communication. He texted me last night to see how I was feeling but I didn't respond. This morning he followed up with a snippy comment about my not responding and that we will talk some other time. I just wrote back that I was sleeping. Cutting him off completely has not been easy. But our communication is NOTHING like it once was. We used to talk all day, every day. About nothing and everything. Now its really him trying to get my attention and me giving one or two word answers or ignoring it altogether.

I had a busy day and got my hair done, but tonight I have no plans. No random boys to waste time with, and no random clubs to go to in an attempt to meet more random boys. To be honest, I don't really care.  Loneliness is dangerous because you do stupid things to cope. I could eat, cry, call up some old boo like Yardie or The Trainer... But why? None of these things will make my heart feel better in the long term. I don't want to talk to anyone else. I don't want to be touched by anyone else. I don't want anything. Just my Trini back (my heart does, not my head).

But I won't call Trini, text him, or try to see him. A part of me would love it, but I know we'd be circling the drain again in no time flat. I know I could call him and see him RIGHT NOW. But where would that leave me? It wouldn't change anything, he still would not be giving me what I need. And I'd REALLY be giving in.

I am trying to send him a message that I'm willing to do what hurts me the most to get what I deserve. Even if it means being lonely for a while.


Thursday, August 11, 2011


I can not tolerate sugar and carbs. I am not diabetic, but I have learned to listen to my own body as I lose the weight. For example, when I ate mostly processed foods, carbs, and sugar (bread, pasta, cake, cookies etc), I gained weight. LOTs of it. My skin was smooth but uneven and splotchy with dark spots here and there. My back hurt, I got sick often and I am convinced it's because my immune system was weak as a result of how I ate. I was always active, but the things I ate were all wrong.

Since I've cleaned up my eating, not only am I smaller, but my skin is more even, I have not been sick (until this summer cold that I got which was probably caused by my diet slacking) and I don't have as many back pains or cravings. I FEEL different when I don't eat sugar and carbs.

I'm not talking about one muffin or one piece of cake. But if I go off my veggie/fruit/protein routine for more than two or three days, I notice changes in my body and skin right away.

Post breakup, I have not gained any weight, but I haven't lost more than one or two pounds either. Breakups and drama in my life are usually triggers for me to eat more. This time around it is a little different. I haven't been eating excessively, but I haven't been as focused either. I haven't worked out at all, unless you count whining and grinding in the clubs. Although, I do dance a lot. Maybe I can count that? No, the alcohol cancels out any benefit.

My weekly grocery list looks something like this:

-Broth for soup (low fat chicken or beef)
-Low fat or reduced fat cheddar cheese
-Shredded wheat or bran
-A bag of carrots
-Assorted fresh veggies (for cooking random meals)- black beans, peppers, onions, tomato
-Lettuce or bagged salad
-Cabbage (to add to soup)
-Nuts and raisins
-Quarter watermelon or whole canteloupe
-Chicken sausage or chicken breasts for cooking said random meals
-2 gallons of water and one jug of diet green tea

I stick to the same stuff or versions of the same stuff because it works for me. Sometimes I am on a tight budget, so I usually know what I will be spending each week on food. Being broke doesn't have to mean weight gain.

This weekend I will get back to my workouts. I need to turn the 27 pounds lost into at LEAST 30 before my birthday.


Wednesday, August 10, 2011


I have a summer cold or flu complete with fever, chills, coughing, sneezing, stuffy nose. The whole nine. I felt it kicking in last weekend and it hasn't gotten any better. I'll need more soup and hot tea.

I have not heard from FB. We texted yesterday about the movie we both saw separately but that was it. Oh how I have NOT missed this part of dating. I don't really have the energy to chase anyone anymore, but I do think about it like.. am I supposed to say something next? Is he supposed to call me? Monday at the happy hour we talked about going to a show I need to see for work. He said not to go by myself and that he would like to go. Yay. BUT. Now what? I'm going to wait for him to text me next and see how that goes. Then maybe I will bring up the show and when... I'm waiting for him to act brand new. That's wrong isn't it?

I had two semi fucked up conversations today. The first was with SB. SB and I are "friends" now, but last year I was absolutely heartbroken over him and the fact that we didn't work out. He said he could not commit to a relationship because of family responsibilities etc. My ears heard "I don't want a relationship with YOU". So we ended it there. I know he has family things and he does a LOT. But... I liked him more than I could handle so it was on to the next. Today we got to talking about things and I could tell he was getting annoyed with me because I told him that what happened between he and I was common. Meaning, meet, date, sex, someone (usually the guy) decides they just want to be "friends". He did tell me that he didn't want a relationship, but what hurt me was that I went for it anyway. I was expecting A to happen, he was expecting B. I was crrrrusshed. Honestly, it didn't make it any easier that he told me. It still hurt. He probably felt like I was making it all his fault. Maybe it sounded that way. I don't think it was his fault. It was mine because I fell too hard and I didn't think before I jumped in with him. I did learn a lesson though. I did not ALLOW myself to be into Trini that way until I knew that he wanted to pursue a relationship with me. That didn't turn out so well, but I tried. I don't want SB and he doesn't want me. He didn't want me then. Which is probably what irritates me still. I never want that to happen again. Fine if it doesn't work, but I never want to let myself fall for someone who refuses to fall for me.

After I have a long convo with Coworker about settling into the breakup and feeling okay with things, Trini texts me that he's thinking about our last night together when we celebrated his birthday. The conversation went south when he told me he "may" come to my birthday if things aren't still "funny" between us. Long story short, I told him things don't have to be funny. If he wanted to make things work like he says, all he has to do is get off his ass and try. I have not received a flower, dinner invite, none of that. We had a quick meeting at lunch before he went to work. He just...is lazy. He will always be lazy. I'm like try to get me back! DO something. The calls and texts are not enough. But that's why I left him isn't it? That laziness.Ugh I am just.. done.

No one understands me. I wish someone got what I needed and cared enough to give it to me. I spent so much time doing for Trini. All I wanted was for him to care enough to give something back.

I need to locate a big check I am expecting. I want to go to DC next weekend and I'd like some money to BL-O-O-O-W. At least that will take my mind off NY for a little while.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

This Time Around

I'd like to be with someone who is happy and energetic like I am. Now that the breakup with Trini has set in, I realize that I miss him a lot, but I kind of don't miss the brooding and the every day struggle we had sometimes to work out plans, spend time together, and to just have a good time.

We all have stress and I know that men don't really show their emotions but I'd like to be with a man who can still smile at me when we see each other and not be so weighed down by the world all the time. Trini was not emotional AT all. Which is fine, but sometimes it was just difficult to be around him. He hardly ever smiled, never showed joy or happiness and always seemed stressed and uninterested.He has a home situation that is RIDICULOUS to me and a family that I really don't understand. But he's the man of the house so his stress came from there and landed on my doorstep sometimes whenever we would see each other. I'd spend the first 20 minutes trying to cheer him up. He didn't volunteer anything exciting either. I had to try to open him up and ask about his day etc., and sometimes he'd just look at me like he was annoyed. Why be in a relationship if not to have someone care about your day and want to talk to you about theirs?

I stress about my weight, grad school, work, my hair, my friends, life in general. If I can put that aside and smile at my man, get dinner going or plan something nice for him, then I want the same thing in return. This time around I'd like to GET instead of always being the one to GIVE. I'd like someone to make my days brighter instead of working my ass of to cheer up some dude who can't reciprocate or give the relationship any life.

I'd like to be with someone who can make me laugh and isn't "stressed" all the time. I like a generally positive disposition. Corny jokes. A big smile. Energy. Quick Wit.

FB has a personality like that, and I like it. He can talk about any and everything, never looks bored or "stressed" and he actually smiles. He talks about his day, his job. Never a dull moment.That is nice. He tells corny jokes. I appreciate that. He just seems... happy. It's a nice change of pace from the brooding of Trini.

Monday, August 8, 2011

27 Pounds

You guys probably figured it out already, but I am not skinny *gasp*.I've always been big, and I've gone up and down on the scale throughout my adult life. I once dropped almost 40 pounds working out all winter and eating right with BFF only to gain 50 back in half the time it took to lose it all.

About 2 or 3 months ago, got back on the wagon and started doing my own min-version of weight watchers. I took a friend's booklet, calculated the correct amount of points I should be eating according to my weight, and went to work.Exercise was difficult to squeeze in with a full course load and a full time job (plus Trini), but somehow I made it work and dropped 27 pounds. I have to admit, I don't really count points anymore like I should, but in my head, I stick to a daily routine as often as possible that goes something like this:

Breakfast: Shredded Wheat or Bran flakes topped with a small banana & skim milk

AM Snack: 1oz reduced fat cheddar cheese sometimes with a few Triscuit crackers

Lunch: No/ Low carbs. I make a taco type dish (ground turkey, veggies, black beans) or some type of     veggie soup and eat that at work. I also bring fresh fruit (watermelon, cantaloupe, grapes)

PM Snack: Almonds or a few peanuts

Dinner: No/Low carbs. Sometimes I will have a salad or a few slices of turkey or chicken with some random veggie on the side. 

*****This works for me because I eat enough during the day so that I'm not hungry at night. Sometimes I just have some fruit and call it a night.

Sticking to a regular grocery shopping schedule helps A LOT (I go on Sundays when produce is fresh) and I prepare everything at home if I can. I cut up all my fruit on Sundays, cook one or two main meals to get me through lunch for the week, and buy bags of salad to keep in the fridge. Oh, and I no longer drink soda or juice. Mostly water and diet green tea. 

This is a sample lunch for me. My taco stuff (lol I will find a name for it) with some fruit. Water isn't pictured but it's there :)

I'm heading to a friend's happy hour/ b-day thing tonight so hopefully I won't undo my entire day.


The Old Me and the New Me

Sometimes when I am bored I read through my old journals. Just to see how far I've come... Things that have changed, things that have stayed the same. I remember old boo's, dating dramas, and past relationships. My first real relationship lasted about 4 years. We were highschool sweethearts and we stayed together through my first two years in undergrad.

Now, everything wasn't sweet all the time. When we got together, Coco was a user. He used me for a variety of things at first. I didn't know any better and was totally in love. I felt like he would come around, and eventually he did. We became best of friends and are still very close to this day. We talk about everything. Our new relationships, life, the good times we used to have. While we've both changed and grown up a lot, in reading my journal, I was both SHOCKED and a little EMBARRASSED at the things I  put up with. I recalled:

-the time he asked me to buy him a pair of shoes but wanted the money as opposed to going to the mall with me to buy them (he didn't want people to see us together)

-the time he told me that we couldn't go to the movies where everyone else at our highschool went because we were a "down low" thing

Back then I had even more issues with my weight and I think he did too. But somehow, I kept my cool. The old me put up with it and though it used to eat me up inside, I never lost my cool with him. I never yelled at him, raised my voice, or tried to manipulate him into giving me what I want. If he was late, I let it slide. If he didn't show, I got upset, but dealt with it NEXT time we were together.

The new me is quicker to react. Sometimes too quick. I stand up for myself, and I have little patience for men and the excuses and lies, and shortcuts they try to take just to get to the pussy. After 3 serious relationships, and countless dating experiences with men who really came to the table with nothing and only wanted one thing, I have learned how to say when something isn't right, and am no longer afraid of calling them out.

But the new me has some work to do. I'm not all the way proud of the new me. I can't relax anymore. Trini's biggest complaint about me was that I could not relax or "lighten up". He's right. I've been through so much that when I think someone is hurting me -or about to-, I literally freak out and either 1) Call them out with a really sharp tongue or 2) back away, avoid them, and become fixated on whatever happened. Not good.

Trini fucked up pretty bad on numerous things when we were together. I'm not saying I should have turned the other cheek and let everything slide, but I probably didn't need to react the way I did to every thing, every time. I should have just left the relationship. Period. He was irresponsible and incapable of planning dates, being on time, and taking initiative. Rather than bug out every time he disappointed me, I should have just dipped. I also could have probably cut him slack on certain things, and not gotten as upset as I did for the sake of showing a little patience and understanding. His words to me were "You're not as understanding as you say you are.". There's some truth in that.

I don't always realize how my experience with men has changed me, for better and worse. I have been so disrespected in the past that now, when I sense it coming, I literally can't take it and freak out. While getting male interest and attention is good, I've dealt with enough men who I felt treated me as though I deserved less or thought that because I was a "big girl" I would somehow let a bunch of shit slide. But I guess all women deal with men who try to get away with stuff, not just big girls. I've become hyper-vigilant and sensitive about disrespect on the low because of my weight.

I need to find a balance some balance between the new me and the old me. Not everyone is out to get me.


Saturday, August 6, 2011


I got an out of the blue text from Trini basically accusing me of seeing someone else during that first week we broke-up. We broke up on a Tuesday, but I still spent his birthday with him on Friday night (don't ask). I felt sorry for him because all his friends blew him off. My number one mistake with Trini is feeling sorry. He is a master manipulator, tries to turn things that are HIS fault on me, and always makes me feel bad when I stick things to him or back away because of something he says or does.

He said he thought we were having a breakthrough but was bothered because he thought there was someone else and I was up to something. I wrote him back that HE is the one who lied to ME and was not to be trusted. If he has concerns I will gladly answer them but accusing me is not the move. I also wrote that we weren't having a breakthrough. He is still unwilling to change and I am unwilling to settle.

I went to celebrate another friend's birthday at a bar in the city. It was a really preppy, white, NYU type crowd which is not my preference but we had fun and made the best of it. My friend's brother  (FB) seemed to really enjoy himself...And me. I am a dancer. If I don't hate the song, I WILL dance. Me and FB were glued to eachother all night.  I should have gone home but I didn't. We took a cab to friend's hotel and chilled and talked in the lobby for a while. I felt weird flirting with a FB. I would NOT want my brother trying to get it in with any of my friends. Ew.

I got back to BK around 4 ish. Trini text me and when I didn't respond, he followed it with "I guess you're out with your new boo and don't have time for me. Let me know when you want to talk, you know how to find me" (He know's I'm reverting back to my old partying self and probably thinks I'm out with different dudes every night)

But WHAT IS THAT? We are broken up!!! You give up all rights to know where someone is and who they are with when you break up with them. He doesn't really ask questions but makes passive aggressive jabs like that that either guilt me out or make me so angry and annoyed that I respond. I shouldn't. I'm getting better though. I didn't say anything and he went back to I miss you and want to be with you etc. I just said OK. LOL. *shrug* I miss him too. But I want to rip the bandaid off because it's hurting me. I need to move on.

Today is First Saturday's at the BK Museum. A part of me wants to go, but I will probably stay home and relax. Clean out my life. I need to put away a few more Trini items he left, and do something about all the pictures in my phone.


Friday, August 5, 2011

Choke (NSFW/ For Mature Audiences Only)

I recently had a conversation my girlfriends about rough sex. Lord have mercy. *bbm whew face*. I've decided that every girl -even the sweetest of girls like me who will cook you dinner, dessert and give you a backrub after a long day- has an inner slut that must be let out at some point in her adult life. 

There is a time to be sensual, sweet, take things slow. And then there are times when only rough, hard, fast and border line violent sex is perfectly in order. Think make-up sex, or I hate you but I love you sex. Beds are broken, roomates are woken, and in the words of the boys over at VSB, "pets are scared". 

KB admitted to liking it rough. I'm grown so I can admit I like it that way too sometimes. Our other homegirl had a guy slap her and rip her shirt. LMAO. Not too hard she says, but it disturbed her a little. Whatever he was going for it worked because he got it that night AND we are still talking about it to this day. 

There are always some guys who take it too far like homegirl's boo and try to man handle you to the extreme. And then there are other guys who you have to TELL "Do it harder" and they don't quite get it or miss the mark completely. For clarification you guys,  ROUGH SEX IS NOT JUST TALKING. You can not talk like you're in a porno and move like your skipping through a field of daisies. That is incorrect. 

Rough  means slapping (not in the face- unless specifically requested I guess lolol). Pulling of hair. Some biting maybe. Talking. Maybe choking. Whatever you may consider a little aggressive.

I love me some Trini. He was my boo. But dayum. He was so sweet and proper. Rough sex was challenging in the beginning. My inner slut was too crazy for him I guess. His "talking" would be a whisper. He was not experienced with the type of  borderline abusive adult activities I like (Just kidding), and did not feel comfortable doing those things to the person he loved. His words, not mine. Before you get to Trini bashing, he was great. But rough? Not so much. 

I guess a post on following directions is in order as well. I don't know if its a guy thing, or if both sexes do it, but we all need to remember what we learned in kindergarten: Follow directions (and color inside the lines). "Don't stop" means "don't stop". Not take a break, not take a breather, don't even adjust your position to do it "better". That's being selfish. Do. Not. Stop. 

I'm ranting and have forgotten what I had to say. Other than some (all) girls probably like it a little rough. There's room for experimentation and variety, just don't be selfish, crazy extreme with it, or make your boo physically uncomfortable. 


Back on the Scene

Last night I went with  KB and Bff to have a drink and just catch up on boys and life. Bff came to meet us even though she said she probably wouldn't be able to (she likes to hang out just as much as me and came even though she had something else to do. Loves her. She is the best BFF ever).

We all used to party, and when I say party, I mean DURING the week, heading home at 4 and 5 A.M. KB has to be at work ridiculously early (out the door before 6:30 -yikes-), but we used to carry on like we didn't have anything else to do the next day. Lots of alcohol, boys, grinding in low lit places and going to work dead ass tired. Last night was a return to that. It was supposed to be just one drink, but of course we had to hit another spot to "see what was going on", and then another spot for a reggae night that is a lot of fun. We convince ourselves we will stop by, but it always turns into more lol. Bff had to leave to head back home. Wish she could have stayed.

I have to say, it was harder than I thought. I had a great time, but I felt a little empty on the inside. I looked at all the boys and kept thinking none of them are Trini (don't judge me.com) and I don't really want to work and meet anyone new, but at the same time I want to meet someone new to take my mind off of him. All of my friends are really pretty. Bff is gorgeous and KB is really beautiful too and guys flock to them with no problem. I hate feeling like the odd girl out or the "big girl" that the guy's friend(s) try to ignore. When I was with Trini I never had to worry about feeling that way. I always knew I was wanted. Being on the club scene (as FUN as it is) is hard for me at times because it's a constant reminder of how shallow guys (and girls too) can be sometimes. I'll elaborate on the big girl/club thing in another post.

I got home around 4. I had sobered up a little but was still tipsey enough to feel pain and sadness about Trini. Wishing I could talk to him and be with him. Wishing I didn't have to think about other guys. He must be a mindreader because although I carefully explained to him why we can't have contact with each other and that I need time to heal, he most definitely texted me:

"I'm laying in bed .Can't sleep. I just wanted you to know that I miss you and wish I was laying next to you"

As soon as I saw that the tears started flowing. I believe him. As difficult as he was, Trini was my best friend for a while (in addition to my great girlfriends). We were genuinely interested in each other. We shared the most insignificant aspects of our days and could talk about any and everything, all. damn. day. I knew that when we weren't around each other, he missed me as much as I missed him.

This is going to be really hard.

I'm supposed to go to a birthday thing tonight at a bar on the LES, but to be honest, I'm drained. Tired. Worn out. And significantly poorer after last night. X's and O's,


Thursday, August 4, 2011

Quitters Never Win

Last night during another marathon post-break up conversation with my now ex, Trini, I explained to him that what was hurting me was that I grew up thinking that if you kept trying, never gave up, never quit, and treated people well, they would do the same for you.

Blame my parents for teaching me too well:
-Work hard in school = good grades, promising future, allowance money
-Do my chores at home and not fight with my brother = allowance money, car, almost anything I wanted (within reason)
-Be a good friend/person= people will be good to you

This seems brilliant, but as an adult, I feel like I got hoodwinked by life BIG TIME. There are stretches where only bad things happen to me, no matter how good and nice and responsible I am. My career is not what I want, I'm in a graduate program I am now having second thoughts about, and I continue to have my heart broken by men who probably aren't even worth all the headache. Maybe I missed the point and am not really living right. I don't know. I am working on it though. Trying to find out what the fuck is going on with this life stuff. 

Anywho. I told Trini that "quitting" our relationship meant that we would never "win" or make it to the finish line (don't ask me what that means). What fucks with me MOST is that I tried SO hard, and gave him SO much. I didn't quit -though at times I wanted to- and I lost anyway. It literally keeps me up at night. Like, this is against everything I was taught. I worked hard. I was honest. I was good. Why didn't I win? 

Screwed up way of seeing it, I know. But that's what flashes in my mind when these things happen to me. Even though I know its for the best t hat we didn't work, I become obsessed with having lost and the idea of quitting something.

That is my biggest weakness. Well..One of them. X's and O's,


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Rollercoaster Ride

I went to bed angry and woke up angry. I'm at work -yep, you guessed it- ANGRY. I am in what I think is phase 2 of maybe not the WORST breakup I've ever had, but definitely one of the hardest because I'm the one that's ending it. I feel like he ended it because he really didn't leave me much of a choice, but here we are in Week 2 post breakup, and I've gone from sad, to relieved that it is over, to totally depressed and tearful, to flat out angry that he could be so stupid and that I am dumb enough to still be giving emotions and texts and drawn out explanations of what happened. This is the emotional ROLLERCOASTER. Why am I explaining myself to someone I broke up with? I know why. It's because I didn't really WANT to end things, no matter what was going on.

Let me give you some backround. I met (thinking of a good name for him even though I feel like putting all of his business out there) "Trini" last year at a party. He was huge (6'3, broad shoulders) and dark as night. I spotted him across the room but he looked a little shy or just really mean, so I didn't approach. Somehow we ended up dancing and exchanging BBM pins. And so it began. He was not my type. I knew this. We became fast friends though. Talking and chatting every day. I knew he liked me, but I was recovering from a previous breakup with Star Boo/ SB for short (we met at a place called Star). SB was never officially my man but DAMN. Talk about heartbreak. I was unprepared for it and I was stupid, dumb, and idiotic crazy about him for reasons I still don't really understand- I will elaborate on  SB and our current relationship later on. By the start of the new year, SB was in the recycle bin and I was ready to give a nice guy like Trini a chance. And just like that, we were in a relationship. Together. He wanted me and he let me know (unlike the guys in my past). Trini pursued the relationship with me (not the other way around). He expressed the desire to be committed (unlike SB) so I felt comfortable going forward with him and didn't feel the need to delete his ass like I did SB.

Boy oh boy did things take a wrong turn. At some point I will explain where it all started to unravel, but the rollercoaster ride begins the moment you realize the person who you invested so much in is not really who you thought they were.

I have an internal panic button that GOES OFF whenever I think I've been duped or fallen for some BS. Trini is a good guy, but damn. He has some evil, selfish, immature ways and I probably had no business in a relationship with a man like him.

I woke up one day, saw the writing on the wall, WENT CRAZY, and told him it was over. I cried. BBM'd and texted essays worth of how could you's and why's and i deserved better's. Here we are. Nothing has changed and I'm still riding the ride crying and buggin' out while he's probably playing playstation living it up in his mom's basement.

Somehow my relationships always end with me holding the emotional bag while they go on about their business. Maybe men hide it better. But I'm an angry and emotional basket case who is sick enough to still kind of want to be with him even though he DOES NOT deserve it (again, I'll explain later and you'll see what I'm talking about). Until then, x's and o's,