Thursday, August 4, 2011

Quitters Never Win

Last night during another marathon post-break up conversation with my now ex, Trini, I explained to him that what was hurting me was that I grew up thinking that if you kept trying, never gave up, never quit, and treated people well, they would do the same for you.

Blame my parents for teaching me too well:
-Work hard in school = good grades, promising future, allowance money
-Do my chores at home and not fight with my brother = allowance money, car, almost anything I wanted (within reason)
-Be a good friend/person= people will be good to you

This seems brilliant, but as an adult, I feel like I got hoodwinked by life BIG TIME. There are stretches where only bad things happen to me, no matter how good and nice and responsible I am. My career is not what I want, I'm in a graduate program I am now having second thoughts about, and I continue to have my heart broken by men who probably aren't even worth all the headache. Maybe I missed the point and am not really living right. I don't know. I am working on it though. Trying to find out what the fuck is going on with this life stuff. 

Anywho. I told Trini that "quitting" our relationship meant that we would never "win" or make it to the finish line (don't ask me what that means). What fucks with me MOST is that I tried SO hard, and gave him SO much. I didn't quit -though at times I wanted to- and I lost anyway. It literally keeps me up at night. Like, this is against everything I was taught. I worked hard. I was honest. I was good. Why didn't I win? 

Screwed up way of seeing it, I know. But that's what flashes in my mind when these things happen to me. Even though I know its for the best t hat we didn't work, I become obsessed with having lost and the idea of quitting something.

That is my biggest weakness. Well..One of them. X's and O's,


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