Wednesday, August 10, 2011


I have a summer cold or flu complete with fever, chills, coughing, sneezing, stuffy nose. The whole nine. I felt it kicking in last weekend and it hasn't gotten any better. I'll need more soup and hot tea.

I have not heard from FB. We texted yesterday about the movie we both saw separately but that was it. Oh how I have NOT missed this part of dating. I don't really have the energy to chase anyone anymore, but I do think about it like.. am I supposed to say something next? Is he supposed to call me? Monday at the happy hour we talked about going to a show I need to see for work. He said not to go by myself and that he would like to go. Yay. BUT. Now what? I'm going to wait for him to text me next and see how that goes. Then maybe I will bring up the show and when... I'm waiting for him to act brand new. That's wrong isn't it?

I had two semi fucked up conversations today. The first was with SB. SB and I are "friends" now, but last year I was absolutely heartbroken over him and the fact that we didn't work out. He said he could not commit to a relationship because of family responsibilities etc. My ears heard "I don't want a relationship with YOU". So we ended it there. I know he has family things and he does a LOT. But... I liked him more than I could handle so it was on to the next. Today we got to talking about things and I could tell he was getting annoyed with me because I told him that what happened between he and I was common. Meaning, meet, date, sex, someone (usually the guy) decides they just want to be "friends". He did tell me that he didn't want a relationship, but what hurt me was that I went for it anyway. I was expecting A to happen, he was expecting B. I was crrrrusshed. Honestly, it didn't make it any easier that he told me. It still hurt. He probably felt like I was making it all his fault. Maybe it sounded that way. I don't think it was his fault. It was mine because I fell too hard and I didn't think before I jumped in with him. I did learn a lesson though. I did not ALLOW myself to be into Trini that way until I knew that he wanted to pursue a relationship with me. That didn't turn out so well, but I tried. I don't want SB and he doesn't want me. He didn't want me then. Which is probably what irritates me still. I never want that to happen again. Fine if it doesn't work, but I never want to let myself fall for someone who refuses to fall for me.

After I have a long convo with Coworker about settling into the breakup and feeling okay with things, Trini texts me that he's thinking about our last night together when we celebrated his birthday. The conversation went south when he told me he "may" come to my birthday if things aren't still "funny" between us. Long story short, I told him things don't have to be funny. If he wanted to make things work like he says, all he has to do is get off his ass and try. I have not received a flower, dinner invite, none of that. We had a quick meeting at lunch before he went to work. He lazy. He will always be lazy. I'm like try to get me back! DO something. The calls and texts are not enough. But that's why I left him isn't it? That laziness.Ugh I am just.. done.

No one understands me. I wish someone got what I needed and cared enough to give it to me. I spent so much time doing for Trini. All I wanted was for him to care enough to give something back.

I need to locate a big check I am expecting. I want to go to DC next weekend and I'd like some money to BL-O-O-O-W. At least that will take my mind off NY for a little while.


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