Last night I went with KB and Bff to have a drink and just catch up on boys and life. Bff came to meet us even though she said she probably wouldn't be able to (she likes to hang out just as much as me and came even though she had something else to do. Loves her. She is the best BFF ever).
We all used to party, and when I say party, I mean DURING the week, heading home at 4 and 5 A.M. KB has to be at work ridiculously early (out the door before 6:30 -yikes-), but we used to carry on like we didn't have anything else to do the next day. Lots of alcohol, boys, grinding in low lit places and going to work dead ass tired. Last night was a return to that. It was supposed to be just one drink, but of course we had to hit another spot to "see what was going on", and then another spot for a reggae night that is a lot of fun. We convince ourselves we will stop by, but it always turns into more lol. Bff had to leave to head back home. Wish she could have stayed.
I have to say, it was harder than I thought. I had a great time, but I felt a little empty on the inside. I looked at all the boys and kept thinking none of them are Trini (don't judge me.com) and I don't really want to work and meet anyone new, but at the same time I want to meet someone new to take my mind off of him. All of my friends are really pretty. Bff is gorgeous and KB is really beautiful too and guys flock to them with no problem. I hate feeling like the odd girl out or the "big girl" that the guy's friend(s) try to ignore. When I was with Trini I never had to worry about feeling that way. I always knew I was wanted. Being on the club scene (as FUN as it is) is hard for me at times because it's a constant reminder of how shallow guys (and girls too) can be sometimes. I'll elaborate on the big girl/club thing in another post.
I got home around 4. I had sobered up a little but was still tipsey enough to feel pain and sadness about Trini. Wishing I could talk to him and be with him. Wishing I didn't have to think about other guys. He must be a mindreader because although I carefully explained to him why we can't have contact with each other and that I need time to heal, he most definitely texted me:
"I'm laying in bed .Can't sleep. I just wanted you to know that I miss you and wish I was laying next to you"
As soon as I saw that the tears started flowing. I believe him. As difficult as he was, Trini was my best friend for a while (in addition to my great girlfriends). We were genuinely interested in each other. We shared the most insignificant aspects of our days and could talk about any and everything, all. damn. day. I knew that when we weren't around each other, he missed me as much as I missed him.
This is going to be really hard.
I'm supposed to go to a birthday thing tonight at a bar on the LES, but to be honest, I'm drained. Tired. Worn out. And significantly poorer after last night. X's and O's,