The L Word

I knew this would happen, just didn't know when.

I knew the day would come when I'd have to admit...I....am....lonely.

Although Trini and I remain broken up, there hasn't been a day when we haven't exchanged some type of communication. He texted me last night to see how I was feeling but I didn't respond. This morning he followed up with a snippy comment about my not responding and that we will talk some other time. I just wrote back that I was sleeping. Cutting him off completely has not been easy. But our communication is NOTHING like it once was. We used to talk all day, every day. About nothing and everything. Now its really him trying to get my attention and me giving one or two word answers or ignoring it altogether.

I had a busy day and got my hair done, but tonight I have no plans. No random boys to waste time with, and no random clubs to go to in an attempt to meet more random boys. To be honest, I don't really care.  Loneliness is dangerous because you do stupid things to cope. I could eat, cry, call up some old boo like Yardie or The Trainer... But why? None of these things will make my heart feel better in the long term. I don't want to talk to anyone else. I don't want to be touched by anyone else. I don't want anything. Just my Trini back (my heart does, not my head).

But I won't call Trini, text him, or try to see him. A part of me would love it, but I know we'd be circling the drain again in no time flat. I know I could call him and see him RIGHT NOW. But where would that leave me? It wouldn't change anything, he still would not be giving me what I need. And I'd REALLY be giving in.

I am trying to send him a message that I'm willing to do what hurts me the most to get what I deserve. Even if it means being lonely for a while.

-Sade