The Rollercoaster Ride

I went to bed angry and woke up angry. I'm at work -yep, you guessed it- ANGRY. I am in what I think is phase 2 of maybe not the WORST breakup I've ever had, but definitely one of the hardest because I'm the one that's ending it. I feel like he ended it because he really didn't leave me much of a choice, but here we are in Week 2 post breakup, and I've gone from sad, to relieved that it is over, to totally depressed and tearful, to flat out angry that he could be so stupid and that I am dumb enough to still be giving emotions and texts and drawn out explanations of what happened. This is the emotional ROLLERCOASTER. Why am I explaining myself to someone I broke up with? I know why. It's because I didn't really WANT to end things, no matter what was going on.

Let me give you some backround. I met (thinking of a good name for him even though I feel like putting all of his business out there) "Trini" last year at a party. He was huge (6'3, broad shoulders) and dark as night. I spotted him across the room but he looked a little shy or just really mean, so I didn't approach. Somehow we ended up dancing and exchanging BBM pins. And so it began. He was not my type. I knew this. We became fast friends though. Talking and chatting every day. I knew he liked me, but I was recovering from a previous breakup with Star Boo/ SB for short (we met at a place called Star). SB was never officially my man but DAMN. Talk about heartbreak. I was unprepared for it and I was stupid, dumb, and idiotic crazy about him for reasons I still don't really understand- I will elaborate on  SB and our current relationship later on. By the start of the new year, SB was in the recycle bin and I was ready to give a nice guy like Trini a chance. And just like that, we were in a relationship. Together. He wanted me and he let me know (unlike the guys in my past). Trini pursued the relationship with me (not the other way around). He expressed the desire to be committed (unlike SB) so I felt comfortable going forward with him and didn't feel the need to delete his ass like I did SB.

Boy oh boy did things take a wrong turn. At some point I will explain where it all started to unravel, but the rollercoaster ride begins the moment you realize the person who you invested so much in is not really who you thought they were.

I have an internal panic button that GOES OFF whenever I think I've been duped or fallen for some BS. Trini is a good guy, but damn. He has some evil, selfish, immature ways and I probably had no business in a relationship with a man like him.

I woke up one day, saw the writing on the wall, WENT CRAZY, and told him it was over. I cried. BBM'd and texted essays worth of how could you's and why's and i deserved better's. Here we are. Nothing has changed and I'm still riding the ride crying and buggin' out while he's probably playing playstation living it up in his mom's basement.

Somehow my relationships always end with me holding the emotional bag while they go on about their business. Maybe men hide it better. But I'm an angry and emotional basket case who is sick enough to still kind of want to be with him even though he DOES NOT deserve it (again, I'll explain later and you'll see what I'm talking about). Until then, x's and o's,

-Sade